


Light

by wesawbears



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Gen, POV Second Person, the strange format comes from the fact that this was originally a bulletpoint post on tumblr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-04-03
Packaged: 2018-10-14 14:08:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10538091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wesawbears/pseuds/wesawbears
Summary: A study of Kevin through the years, from the Nest to recovery.





	

10

You’re not sure when Riko goes from friend to fear. 

At first, it’s just you and him and you’re alone and your mom’s not coming back. Riko’s there and you bristle when he tells you it’s okay. You quickly learn that’s the wrong response. He’s a child, so he isn’t cruel, not yet, but there’s something unsettling in his eyes and he smiles at you and coos like you’re a new puppy.

That period of your life quickly fades into oblivion as you start to play. You liked Exy. You liked the way your mother would laugh when you scored, and the way she’d kiss your scrapes and bruises.

There’s none of that here.

You start to get sick from the lack of sunlight and how cold it always is, but they don’t let you stop.

You two are the only ones there to patch each other up. He checks you over and after a few months without any other touch, it starts to feel like caring. Sometimes he’ll talk about how you two should match and after a while the idea starts to seem right.

Around that time is when Jean comes. He’s angry and he doesn’t listen to Riko and it hasn’t been very long, but you know that idea scares you. You tell him, in your child’s way, that if you don’t argue with him, he’s not so bad. Jean gives you a look and tells you that’s easy for a spoiled pet to say. You stare at the floor, unsure of what to say. You feel like a person, but you don’t really know anymore. He looks at you pityingly and promises to teach you French.

You love French, but you hate pity.

11

It’s a little after Jean comes that Riko decides the numbers are a good idea. Part of you recoils at the number two, but Riko tells you it’s just a game and you believe him.

12

The first time you notice a shift is when Nathaniel comes and goes.

You notice the Master is upset. The three of you are pushed harder at night practice and you retreat into the cold of the showers and the cold of the Nest and you can’t remember a time when you weren’t freezing.

Riko is upset too. By now, you’ve learned to read him, to know when to speak and when to keep your head down. He’s upset because Nathaniel was his and he’s gone; no one knows where. Jean says something about the Master being unhappy, but you don’t hear the rest of the statement over the sound of the back of Riko’s hand hitting Jean’s cheek with a crack.

You all freeze for a moment as you realize what’s just happened. You step toward Riko, making a choked off noise in your throat, only to be shoved so hard you fall.

”Don’t push me,” he says, though you’re the one on the ground.

You’re always the one on the ground.

He storms away and you scramble to follow, casting a look back at Jean. 

You wait until Riko’s asleep to help him ice it.

13

After that day, his temper grows worse and worse. You get checked at practice more and more and he always makes it look like an accident. You’re always exhausted and new bruises pop up like the freckles you used to have on your skin.

You know Jean has it worse, and that doesn’t make you feel good, but sometimes it’s the only thing that gets you up in the morning. You see Riko hold him down and you push on the bruises on your arm and tell yourself to be grateful.

Your friendship with Jean goes downhill from there. In your dreams, you’re stronger and you help him, but here, the part of you that’s strong died and all you can do is your job. That’s the deal.

You tell yourself it’s easier this way..

14

By now, all you know is cold and dark and sick and tired and you’re so goddamn lonely you can feel it in your soul. You wonder if there’s anything left of you there at all, anything human.

One night when Riko’s asleep, you shiver and plead for Jean to hold you, just once, just so you can remember what it feels like to be touched and have it not hurt, and fuck you’re so cold.

He calls you pathetic, but he comes over anyway, glancing back at Riko to make sure he’s still asleep. His arms wrap around you and you flinch. He whispers French to you as you sob silently. You’re both so scared of him waking up, but it gets you through the night.

You don’t know if you feel better or worse in the morning.

15

-You start being led out for interviews and it’s amazing and strange. You want to cry when you feel the sun hit your face.

They all like Riko more, but that’s normal. You don’t need their approval the way he does.

As the trips become more frequent, you start bringing back any remnants you can of those trips, hanging them on your wall. -It feels as close to rebellion as you’ve ever come.

-You also learn that it’s amazing what people will do for you. You mention once in an interview that you’re thinking of majoring in history.

-Suddenly, books come flooding in and it feels like escape.

16

Riko decides the tattoos should be permanent.

You barely feel the needle, but the 2 on your face feels like a weight in a way it’s never been before. It takes 3 days before Jean looks you in they eyes again.

Not long after, Riko decides he wants Lydia, which means you want her too, apparently.

You’d rather have Thea. Lydia’s too...delicate. Too obviously pretty. She’s strong, she has to be. She’s a Raven. But there’s something too obvious about her.

You only bring Thea up once and Riko rebuffs the idea, so that’s that.

You see how the others look at Jean at Riko’s behest and you compare it to how they look at you and you know on some level that it all hinges on Riko’s whims. The number on his face protects you. One wrong word and you know you could be Jean.

-Riko is protection. 

You and Jean are no longer friends for a long time after that.

Later, you’re at the master’s house, meeting with the ERC who want to see what’s up and coming in the world of Exy.

Riko heads upstairs at one point and you follow (of course), but he heads into the Master’s room.

”What are you doing?” you hiss.

He doesn’t answer, but gestures for you to start looking through drawers. You grab a piece of paper when you see your name on it and your heart stops.

That’s your mom’s handwriting.

You barely remember her face, but you can hear her as you read the letter...the letter that says you have a father.

You put it in your pocket, as quickly as you can and pray he doesn’t notice so he can’t take this away from you, not this. He has everything else.

When you go downstairs, they’re discussing David Wymack’s new captain at Palmetto State and it takes everything in you to not drop your glass.

You show Jean later, when Riko’s asleep and he calls you an idiot and tells you to hide it where you know he won’t look.

You read it every night and for the first time your dream of a life away from here.

17

It’s your last year of high school and your training is tougher than ever.

Next year, you have to step onto the field and live up to everything that’s been said about you for years.

You start researching other teams, how they play, who they are.

You’re researching new strikers for USC and it’s the first time you see Jeremy Knox.

He’s good; not as good as you, but he plays with speed and calculation, and an ability to move fluidly through crowds of backliners and adapt effortlessly.

He’s like water; ephemeral in a world where all you know is how to be solid and unyielding. In him, softness appears to be strength.

You meet him for the first time that year and feel a flutter in your chest that you push down, because Riko can’t know, god, not this.

Your job is to be arrogant and venomous, but you can’t find anything to say other than stuttering out a “thanks” when he says he admires you.

He gives you his number, for Exy reasons, and though you don’t use it, it’s the first time you ever think about calling someone outside the Nest.

18

You step out on the Court with the team for the first time and things seem to fall into place. You feel strong and good and you live for those fleeting hours of real playing, where no one can touch you.

Which is why it’s so frustrating when you meet a goalkeeper in South Carolina who doesn’t get with the program. You offer him the world on a platter and he just says no.

You can’t accept it. You won’t. It makes no sense. He’d fit in with the Ravens, he might even like it.

You tell him as much. You tell him that he’s good and someone as good as him has to care, can’t throw that away. You tell him that because you can’t fathom how else he gets up in the morning.

You know without Exy you sure as hell wouldn’t.

He’s a puzzle and you will figure him out. 

He refuses you again, but you see a flicker of interest in his eyes and you carry it with you as a weapon you’ll need later.

He signs with the Foxes and even though there’s no way he could know, it feels like a slap in the face.

19

Halfway through your second season, the Master calls you both into a meeting and says the words that sound like a coffin closing: “The ERC thinks you’re holding Kevin back.”

You see his eyes and you protest, saying you haven’t done nearly as well. You appeal to every statistic you know, half hysterical and terrified.

It’s no use; you end up in a shootout and you lose, you lose, it’s not fair, you lose.

You walk into the locker room and before you blink you’re on the ground and it’s nothing but “please, please, stop, not my hand, stop it, please…”

You try to get away, but it’s no use and after everything, everything, he leaves you crumpled on the floor.

Jean comes in and you don’t blame him for looking at you with contempt. You’ve never stood up for him and maybe this is your penance. He bandages your hand anyway and tells you you’ll never play again. You’re shaking and you squeeze your eyes shut as hard as you can so you won’t have to look at the bloody stump that used to be your hand. 

”If you were ever my friend,” you say, gritting your teeth so your voice doesn’t shake, “you will get him out of my room. I can’t,” your voice breaks anyway, “I can’t see him.”

Jean nods and leaves you and you sob so hard you feel lightheaded.

You don’t know how long it takes you, but you haul yourself up, grab your coat and your wallet and walk out the doors. You don’t know how you do it unnoticed, but if this is the small window of luck you get in your entire life, you use it to send up a small hope that Jean will be okay and you run.

You don’t know how you end up at Palmetto State; it’s a haze of cabs and buses, but you knock and ignore his face as you say in a ragged voice, “I have nowhere else to go.”

It’s apparently enough because he nods and brings you in.

He introduces you to Abby, the team nurse, who looks at your hand and says, “You should really go to the hospital.”

”No.”

She sighs, but looks used to the answer as she stitches you up silently.

You sleep with your hand cradled to your chest and hope that maybe it’s an awful dream.

It’s not. You wake up and have to explain the entire situation.

He takes it mostly in stride, which you’re simultaneously grateful for and intrigued by. He tells you that he has to get the approval of the entire team to take you on as a coach and suggests getting to Andrew as quickly as you can.

It’s unnerving, seeing Andrew look at you with such unnatural amusement. You swallow your pride and the bile in your throat and say, “Let me stay.”

He scoffs and says, “Why?”

You remember that flicker of interest from months ago and say, “I know what you’re capable of. If you keep me, I’ll give you something to hold onto when you’re sober. I’ll show you how to build a life.”

”I won’t live for Exy.”

”Not Exy then. But something…”

”Swear it.”

“On what?”

”Whatever counts as sacred to you.”

You can’t swear on Exy, so you say, “On my mother’s memory. On everything she wanted me to be. I will help you.”

Andrew considers for a moment and says, “Keep me interested.”

Before he leaves, you ask, “What’s sacred to you?”

You’re surprised when he answers you.

”My word.”

20

The first time you laugh in a month is when you hear the news that you were in a skiing accident. You laugh hysterically because skiing? You’ve never been skiing. You hadn’t even thought about it until now.

The Foxes are terrible. They’re almost beyond help and they all hate you, which is fine. You’ve never had friends, so why start now? You’re fine.

The one time you want to talk to them, you want to say you miss Jean and normalcy and even sometimes Riko, you can’t because you know how it sounds and that no one will listen to you.

Instead you say, “All my books are still there.”

They taunt you and call you a spoiled princess and you know you’ve been awful and you deserve it, so you never bring up your life again. It’s easier to shut down and be the bratty son of Exy they expect. It’s not like you’ve been Kevin for a long time.

Sometimes you wonder if he’s even still there.

You’re helping Coach search through files for a replacement for Janie when you pick up the tape for a striker in Arizona. He doesn’t look like much and his stats are abysmal, but you watch his tape and you feel alive for the first time in months.

The Foxes don’t care, but this kid plays like there’s absolutely nothing else in the world.

He’s technically behind. There’s no reason for you to be drawn to him, but you are and you tell Coach, “I’ll play with him.”

”A rookie from nowhere? You? Are you still Kevin Day?”

”I need him on my line.”

He stares at you for a moment before saying, “I’ll buy three tickets for Arizona.”

You flex your good hand and think about scoring.

You look at Neil Josten, a nothing from Millport, Arizona, and all you can think is redemption.

21

Bee says that you’re not honest with yourself, which is why you write all this down. You feel raw as hell, but she nods approvingly and says she’s proud of your progress. 

You think of Wy- your dad and how he’ll ruffle your hair when you win and even sometimes when you don’t.

You think of Dan and fighting over how to play and Father’s Day presents and how in some crazy way you may have just gained a sister.

You think of texts from Jeremy every time Jean makes progress and him saying maybe you should visit soon. You’re surprised by how much you want to take him up on that.

You think of Andrew and how he stood there in the face of your grief and was the only one with whom absolutely nothing changed.

You think of Neil and how you still bicker incessantly, but also you think about watching games with your knees pressed close and about laughing at the other teams and how it isn’t research anymore, but it’s kind of fun.

You think about hanging out with the Foxes and how you’re not like Neil, they’re not quite family, but they’re friends and you laugh a little freer and you drink a little less and you think you might be on your way to happy.


End file.
